Ian's Alone Time
by Books In the Blood
Summary: Ian has come to enjoy his time traveling on the TARDIS but sometimes the old familiar sadness creeps in and makes it hard to ignore his past pain. It's not that easy to find time to be alone on a TARDIS, especially from a certain time lord. When the Doctor finds Ian upset, will he make his upset worse or better?


_This is my first shot at writing for any classic Who characters. Ian is one of my favorite old companions :) Hope you enjoy this little fic about him_

It wasn't that Ian didn't enjoy traveling in the TARDIS; he really did enjoy his adventures with the Doctor, Susan and Barbara. Sure, it had been rough at first. He had never asked to travel in time and space. In fact, the Doctor had essentially kidnapped him and Barbara; they had to come with him whether they wanted to or not. It had created no end of tension between them all in the beginning. Ian and Barbara resented having been uprooted from their lives and the Doctor seemed to resent having them around. It had not been easy at first.

But now, things were different. Ian really did enjoy the wild turn his life had taken. He'd seen the past and the future; he'd seen alien worlds. It was mad and exciting and he knew that he was lucky to have the chance to get to do all of the things that he did. Looking back now, he wouldn't take away the chance to have gone with the Doctor.

But that didn't mean that it was always great. The places that they landed always took them to some dangerous situation and while the adrenaline rush of escaping dangerous aliens was thrilling, it could leave one completely exhausted. Some days, Ian wanted nothing more than to slow down and simply rest. And more than anything, some days Ian just wanted to be home. He loved seeing new worlds but that didn't mean that he stopped missing his own. He missed teaching, afternoon tea, snowy Saturdays and reading by the fire. He missed his small but cozy flat, wondered about his cats he left behind, longed to waste a whole afternoon listening to the radio. There were a million things he missed about being on Earth and more than anything he feared he might never get to experience anything of his own world ever again. It wasn't something that Ian thought of too often for the reason that he didn't like to dwell on it. But some days he did think about it a lot and it did get to him.

Ian was going to cry; it was just that sort of day. Ian was sure that everyone must have these sorts of days but no one talked about them; he certainly didn't. Some days, you just felt vulnerable and needy; some days, the need for comfort and certain and assurance were just too great to ignore any longer and need came out as tears. Ian was generally good natured but he was old enough now to know that when he felt the need to cry come on it was best to not ignore it; giving in to a good cry could really reset his emotions and make his problems seem not nearly as bad as they were. But, it wasn't so easy to do on the TARDIS.

It wasn't that easy to be alone on the TARDIS. Barbara and Susan had that unnerving talent that women always seemed to have that sensed tears a million miles away; they'd already asked him several times if he was alright and didn't seem to accept it when he said that he was. The Doctor kept sneaking up on him, prattling to him about this and that until Ian thought he would scream; he knew he was on edge but couldn't they _just leave…..him …..alone?_

Even when Ian finally managed to get away from the others and go to his room, he didn't exactly feel alone. The TARDIS' walls hummed with energy and it almost gave Ian the unsettling sensation that he was being watched. It almost felt the like ship was alive and the Doctor certainly treated it like it was alive. It was usually enough of a strange sensation that Ian felt odd doing certain things, even when alone, and crying was one of them. But not today; he was moody and tired and more than anything he just wanted to go home. The beginnings of his tears were already starting as he walked through the door of his room. Ian shut the door and locked it for good measure before curling up on his bed, pillow to his face and finally…FINALLY giving in.

Peace…blessed peace. The breaking, aching part of his chest that so longed to give into the tears finally found some relief as he cried, the sound muffled into the pillow so that no one, hopefully even the TARDIS, couldn't hear it. Ian felt like a heavy weight lay on his chest and it simultaneously grew better and worse by the continued crying. Some part of him felt foolish for giving in to the aching sadness that he usually avoided; after all, grown men weren't supposed to cry were they and certainly not sobbing for really no reason? But it also felt so good to give in, to fully wallow in the sensation of loneliness and despair, to nurture it and make it worse. By this point he was so given into the darkness that his day would be consumed by it. He'd get a good cry, go to sleep early and tomorrow he'd be his usual cheerful self again; problem solved.

Knock…..knock…KNOCK

Ian's sobs died in his throat, breath caught as he tried to ignore the knocking at his door. He swallowed hard, the lump almost too painful to even swallow now that he'd let himself cry. He paused as if he didn't breathe, maybe the person at his door would go away. Barbara or Susan would surely think he was asleep if he didn't answer the door and then he could finish the pitiful fit he had started.

Knock…knock…KNOCK

"Chatterton…are you in there?"

Great…..it was the Doctor who wouldn't possibly catch a clue no matter if it was handed to him on a silver platter. He'd keep knocking until either Ian let him in or he tore the door down. And why couldn't the Doctor get his name right anyway? In Ian's state of heightened emotional turmoil it irked him more than it should. The Doctor never called Barbara the wrong name so why couldn't he remember his name? Did it really matter so little to him that he couldn't possibly be bothered to remember? How bloody long had they been traveling together? Ian had saved the Doctor's life more than once and he couldn't even be bothered to remember his name. Ian felt an overwhelming wave of emotion swell in his chest; his eyes burned but he held it back because he was going to have to answer the door and he was NOT going to be crying when he did.

"It is customary to open the door when someone knocks" the Doctor said in a slightly condescending voice when Ian didn't answer. "You wouldn't want one to think you're rude, would you?"

Ian felt a trace of anger and irritation flare up under the waves of sadness. The only reason he was here, the ONLY reason he was on this bloody space ship was because of the Doctor and he couldn't even give him a few minutes to himself? He was considered rude because he wanted a few minutes to give in and obsess over everything he had lost and missed?

Ian wiped his eyes with an angry swipe of his hand, taking a deep breath and hoping dearly the Doctor wouldn't be able to tell he'd been crying. Ian dared him to call him on it…..DARED him….he might just give the insensitive, absent minded rude alien a piece of his mind.

"What?" Ian demanded, wrenching the door open to find the Doctor standing there staring at him with that carefree, annoying grin on his face.

"Ah, there you are my boy" the Doctor said, grinning way too happily for Ian's taste. "Barbara said you were in your room and I thought surely you weren't already asleep so early in the day. I thought maybe you were growing soft and all our running was getting harder for you at your age."

The Doctor laughed gently as if he thought it was funny and Ian just scowled at him. At his age? AT HIS AGE? Was the Doctor even aware how much older he was than Ian? "Do you want something?" Ian asked in a harsh, clipped tone. He hoped the Doctor would pick up on his annoyance but he was not that fortunate.

"Ah, yes, of course" the Doctor said, his brightness irritating. "We have just landed on a planet whose entire economy is based on the sale and purchase of radios. And since you seem to be so entirely infatuated with the machines, I thought you might want to accompany me to look around."

"Why me?" Ian asked, feeling his emotional weariness settle into his bones like a disease. He didn't know why he asked; maybe some part of him was hoping that the Doctor would say that he would prefer going with him over the girls though he didn't know why he wanted that.

"Susan and Barbara are engaged in some craft; they refuse to go with me." The Doctor said, chuckling softly.

Normally, it wouldn't have bothered Ian but in his current state it did. Of course he wasn't the Doctor's first choice….of course not…..

"I don't want to go" Ian said flatly, trying to shut the door in the Doctor's face but the Doctor was quick to stick his leg in the doorway, preventing Ian's escape.

"Ian, is there something wrong?" the Doctor asked, his eyes narrowing in a critical gaze. For a moment, Ian felt like he was being x-rayed and feared the Doctor wasn't as clueless as he seemed.

"No…..why do you ask? I'm fine, really…great" Ian said, sounding too enthusiastic to sound real, even to his own ears.

"Your eyes…..their color seems off." The Doctor said.

Ian could feel the swollenness of his eyes from the crying and breathed a sigh of relief that the Doctor still was as helpless with emotions as he'd ever been and couldn't see it for what it was. "I'm tired, Doctor. I'm just going to go to bed now, okay?" Ian asked tiredly. He felt tired enough to simply pass out and yet there was a wave of emotions behind his eyes still aching to get out. Sometimes he hated the cloud of blue that seemed to come on to him out of nowhere; more so now that he was on the TARDIS and couldn't give in like he normally would.

The Doctor seemed to sense something off for a moment but his smile remained kind. "Of course. Humans do seem to require a lot of rest. Sleep well" he said with a slight nod before departing.

Ian shut the door behind him and in a matter of seconds was crumpled in the floor against it. He laid his head against his knees, the wetness already finding its way out of his eyes. The black cloud inside him seemed to have grown even worse if that was possible. The longing for home was still there but now his crying addled mind had taken ahold of his annoyance at the Doctor; how he was so clueless, how he didn't care, how he didn't even CARE about Ian enough to choose him for an outing first or even remember his name!

When a knock sounded on his door a few minutes later, Ian jumped up. He wiped his eyes but that was the extent of what he did to cover up his episode. Anger burned inside him that the Doctor was bothering him again…..AGAIN…and he didn't really care at this point what the Doctor thought.

"WHAT?"

Ian's voice came out demanding and harsh and the Doctor jumped back slightly. Ian could tell the Doctor was surprised by his attitude and his appearance but he was beyond the point of caring. He had to be mean and nasty; if he didn't, he might do something stupid like just give up and start crying again, Doctor there or not.

"Sorry to have bothered you again while you were trying to…..sleep" the Doctor said delicately, his emphasis on the word sleep making Ian wonder if he knew what he really doing. "But…I just thought I should tell you…."

What? _What?_ Ian wanted to demand of the Doctor; wanted to yell at him to get on with what he wanted to say.

The Doctor paused, looking strangely like he wanted to run for a moment before he smiled. "I enjoy having you aboard my TARDIS, Chesterton" the Doctor finally said. Before Ian could even think of a response, the Doctor had turned and disappeared down the hallway.

Ian closed the door behind him, hopefully for the last time, and crawled into bed. It was early for sleep but his eyes were still sore and tired from his crying and he knew he'd drift off to sleep.

Ian didn't know why the Doctor had said what he did. It was almost as if the Doctor had known exactly what he was thinking; Ian's annoyance that the Doctor couldn't remember his name, his irrational hurt that the Doctor didn't seem to care about him. If Ian really dwelled on it, he'd be embarrassed; could the Doctor read his mind or something? But Ian didn't dwell on it; the blackness that was in his heart, the overwhelming need for tears had stopped growing. The kind words and the little spot of warmth and happiness that he felt from it wasn't enough to make the sadness stop completely; he knew he had to let it run its course once it had begun.

But…it was a start and a good one at that.

 _This idea started in my head as a funny little bit where Ian wants to cry but cant because of all of the craziness in the TARDIS but it morphed into this big head cannon where despite his outward happy nature, he internally struggles with sadness and depression. I have a sequeal planned to this I will be publishing soon. Thanks for reading :)_


End file.
